The Problem with Elves

Posted: by Frostheim


I think we can all agree that the World of Warcraft would be better off without elves. The Warcraft Hunters Union in particular would be better off without the pansy butterfly-humpers. Allow me to illustrate my point with an example of a hunter in my guild. We’ll call him Arust.

Arust is a night elf, and as such he’s a dirty hippie with a flora fetish. He is a marksman hunter, has great gear, and loves to raid and dish out the dps. This is good. This is what we hunters in the WHU do. But, there’s a but.

Like all hunters, Arust has a variety of pets. His favorite pet is Gnolldeath, a bear. This is where we begin to see the effects that all that elven dandelion sniffing has on an already delicate mind. He loves Gnolldeath, so much so, that he brings this dps sink on raids. And not just “we’re going to smack Gruul on his backside again” raids, I’m talking progression raids.

His justification goes something like this: “I’m a stupid elf. I do my homework before raids. I bring flasks, potions, food, pet food, the best ammo, and my A game. And I’m always in the top two dps for the raid, so I don’t feel like I’m slacking. If ever the difference between us downing a boss and not was Gnolldeath, then I’d bring another pet. But it never will be.”

You can see how crazy that is right there. I probably don’t even need to say anything else. But I will, because I like to bash elves.

You see, we’re hunters, not huntards. We represent the WHU. We are death dealers, and our mission is to squeeze out every last drop of dps that we possibly can. It’s like ringing out the beer rag into your empty glass so none of it goes to waste. And our pets are part of that beer rag. We expect them to be death dealers too.

And that’s the problem with elves. Even if you think that butterfly-lovin’ is morally acceptable, even if you can accept that they and those near them will soon be struck down by the gods for their unwholesome hormonally imbalanced height, you can’t deny the way their thin-blooded hearts get in the way of practical damage dealing decisions.

But maybe I shouldn’t complain about the bear in the raid. Maybe I should just thank him for the number 1 spot on the dps charts.

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  1. Axe says:

    If he actually brought somethin’ other than GD, is there a chance he could make up that .08% difference and cast ye into 2nd place?

    Personally, I’ve always wondered how elves get t’be hunters. I mean, all I ever see ‘em eatin’ is weeds an’ fruit an’ such. Not a pinch o’ good red meat in t’meal. I dunno. Maybe it’s how they /love animals. He probably has GD addicted to mana biscuits and holds out on GD unless GD, “participates” in ungodly physical unions, fights, an’ the like. No wonder Gnolldeath’s fairly fierce in combat. I were a random animal gettin’ /loved like that, I’d need t’take out my aggression on somethin’, too.

    Blasted elves need a burger, an’ t’ remember that they should leave the mountin’ o’ animals to doing it in a non-conjugal manner.

    Fer ye elves, that means ye should kill ‘em before eatin’ an’ stuffin’ em, not stuffin’ em when they’re alive. Sick bastards.

  2. Ryv says:

    I can neither confirm nor deny /love-in on GD. But, I will say he is warm, cuddly, and well behaved when you wave a mana biscuit his direction. And I mean WELL behaved. bears got skillz.

  3. Marick says:

    Being human and therefore the impartial observer, neither dwarf or elf, I feel it’s my duty to point out that dwarves are better for the nights that I wanna get hammered. Elves are better for those nights that I want to drink, but can’t afford to get smashed. Bears don’t make liquor, so let the fuzzy speed bump rot.

  4. Myr says:

    >> But maybe I shouldn’t complain about the bear in the raid. Maybe I should just thank him for the number 1 spot on the dps charts.

    Methinks one would have to apply to the proper authorities before claiming such a post … there may be other Elves who had something to say on this one.

  5. Hrist says:

    DEATH TO ELVES! >:(

  6. Frostheim says:

    Myr said:
    >>Methinks one would have to apply to the proper authorities before claiming such a post … there may be other Elves who had something to say on this one.

    Yeah, Arust complained about that too. But, I was usually always #1 damage done on raids I was on… as long as you weren’t there :)

  7. Hrist says:

    Frost said:
    >>”usually always”

    Ahhh, dwarven logic.

  8. scaresome says:

    “It’s like ringing out the beer rag into your empty glass so none of it goes to waste. And our pets are part of that beer rag. ”

    ah-ha-ha-ha-ha

  9. Twocold(Bloodhoof, US) says:

    I guess im the only exception to the hippie elf population…. You obviously havent seen the trail of corpses ive left on numerous occasions in northrend. (raptors ftw!)

  10. kenneth says:

    Well … just wanna ask …

    Why dont you like elves hunters ?

    it just sounds to me that some of the ppl that you are talking about sux at the game :D . .

    what is the big diffrent in dwars and elves ?

  11. Daragh says:

    Well as a tree-hugging elf myself, i feel it’s my duty to stand up for my race… After all we did save the world of Azeroth now did’nt we ? lmao…
    As a BM elf, I have a cat and a spirit beast as my pets, the cat goes to raids and the beast is my trophy pet… I love my steaks rare and my beer cold in big pitchers, maybe i have been hangin out with stinkin dwarves for too long… Then again I think you dwarves are jealous for one single reason…

    its not about the DPS, it’s not about the beer, it’s not about the meat..

    It’s the ladies… god u dwarven chicks are ugly and even with all the ale in Azeroth, i would’nt find em good. Well unless I used em as a tanking pet…

    Elves FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Bloodstyle says:

    You small ones are better?

  13. Tiberias says:

    I have to add to this thread. I am a Belf. Yes, belf. I love being a Belf. I have done hours upon hours of serious research to make my Belf hunter top of her game. I don’t care what race you are, if you follow the advice from this site and any other you might have and make you own conclusions..you can’t lose.

    “Belfs rule the world.”

  14. Personally, I think your an idiot… a hunter is a hunter.

  15. Uofca says:

    i’m an Delf and agree with Daragh , dwarfs are just jealous :)

  16. Tatianya says:

    “Personally, i think your an idiot…. a hunter is a hunter”

    I agree with you… but if a hunter is a hunter he is not an idiot. He is just mistaken. Do not bash a fellow hunter. Just point out the flaw in his words.

    But u must say this….

    I am a proud Belf!

  17. Frostheim says:

    “…a hunter is a hunter”

    Don’t be ridiculous! That statement implies that we all have the same abilities, which we don’t, or that we are all equal, which we are not.

    Trolls and Dwarves have the bow/gun racial, a clear mathematical advantage to our dps. Dwarves have the rugged good looks and alcohol tolerance, a clear evolutionary advantage to our cps (chicks per second).

  18. Sialies says:

    I play an Nelf hunter…and I love my pet bear VonKekkles…Only, I never use my pets in any raids/instances…I don’t think hunters pets really play that much of a role in DPS unless you’re a fail BM hunter- in that case…then I suppose it really counts.

  19. Fieryfury says:

    as a blood elf hunter, the title of this article offended me deeply until i realized you were more concerned with wussy-butt night elves. I’m MM specced and i generally don’t bring my pet along in raids for two reasons: 1) i’m not good enough to know how to play my pet (even though he’s a beastly Ferocity cat) and 2) i hate seeing him die in each and every boss fight, it hurts my heart…. but in general i would like to say that not all elves suck. Just people who play like they know they’re on an elf.

  20. Omogon says:

    The above posts from elves who do not bring their pets to raids simply serves to illustrate the inferiority of elven brains and logic. ;) I never raid without my wolf. On some fights he just stands beside me and his howl adds to my dps. I can send him to attack ads when required or attack the boss and if he is taking a beating I can call him back to my side….then when required he can rush in and help with the final few HP of the boss…KIll Command is quite useful. If he only adds 10dps ( and he does A LOT more than that ) it’s 10 dps that we would not have had without him.

    I do like elven women though and that sexy stripper dance they do :D

  21. Gentian says:

    /sigh…..

    Let me just strike a blow for dwarf women here…..

    Night elf female dance is not sexy – do you notice how it looks like they are wafting farts – which they probably are. And they have funny eyes. And huge, wobbly ears. Ok, the female dwarves are landed with a stick-up-the-arse Irish type dance and for this reason I like to bring my draeni to parties for her belly dance style, but at least we have curves! And I can flatten girders with my thighs. REAL women play dwarf hunters :)

    And on the subject of pets – I too have a trophy Loque-nahak but my wolf is for raiding….

  22. Nton says:

    Oi! whats with the Elf bashing? I a Nelf, and I happen to be the top DPSer in my guild. Granted we dont get the gun skills that dwards do, but some of the best weps are bows now. As for pets, I use a wolf (the demon one) and when in BM, I use Gondria.

    As for eating weeds and such like…….YUCK!!!!!!!!!

    Give me a big plate of raw meat. or cooked, i dont mind which.

  23. The Raz says:

    …. This comes to mind

    At least twice a week a group of us go troubleshooting. Always there is some Horde trying to prove a pointless point on Borentundra by attacking Astaranarr or of the likes. Usually a few 80′s showing off what they belive to be skill whilst 10 or so 68-75 wanna be’s try to trick or taunt a pvp fight. So we go “troubleShootin”, giving numerous deaths out for free :) Now a Nelf can [Shadow Meld] and drawfs cant….so were is the Stalking Sniper abilities of a Dwraf o.0

    Nothing sweeter than HeadHunting Horde all the while they have no idea how many Hunters of the “superior” Elven race have them targeted in AB while shadow melded. As for the dwarf’s role; annoy the hell out of the horde with thier drunken laugh wave.file wich sends even the cockroaches to run for insanities sake…. IMO

  24. Alihandra says:

    Ok so this was posted forever ago yeah sure whatever… But I feel I have to say something at least.

    I am a Nelf hunter… female nelf hunter. I have never danced on a mail box. I have a cat and worg pet (cat being the first I tamed and worg from northrend because besides a Belf female it needs a sandwich more than I do so I felt bad for the fella) . I fish to feed the cat, kill things to eat the meat, feed the worg and I think I have a skinning issue… I earned 400 unarmed skill punching Dragons so i could skin em and had nothing else to do… Brewfest is by far the BEST holiday ever… and I’ve only ever viciously taken Halaa back from the Horde for the Whiskey. Been an elf for a long time no intent on changing… however.

    There are some elves out there who make my blood boil and start seeing if this skinning knife works on humanoids again. Prissy, barely clothed, haughty, stuck up, flower smelling tree humping sons a boars who run around making the rest of us night elf hunters look bad. If I have to tell one more elf to stop doing flips over my worg because our tank isn’t pulling and they are bored… I’m not warning them actually… I’ll just shoot. Misdirection is a beautiful thing.

    I may be the same species… but I truly understand your hatred of em. And if you are asking ‘why not roll a dwarf?’ here is your answer… the camera was too low to the ground.

  25. harre says:

    i love your blog.I will just have to say death to night elve hunters.Bring a wolf trust me a big improvement. Also trolls rock as hunters.I use to really like my dwarf.But i am a traitor and went horde.

  26. Melenaus says:

    Blood elves are worse. At least night elves have an extra Feign-Death to save us from a wipe. That being said, I used to be a night elf until I faction xferred to play with some friends horde-side. I went orc. Why? http://www.wowhead.com/?spell=20575 http://www.wowhead.com/?spell=33702

  27. Erul says:

    I don’t understand the hatred coming from you drunken halflings. Elves are just as good as the next race, and descrimination is not needed. Clearly I have to stand up for my race and teach the rowdier dwarves (that includes you Frost) why Elves are equal, and even superior to the other races.

    1. We were here first. Since the beginning of the world (of warcarft) elves were hunting the wilds of Azeroth. Their experience in the trade is only rivaled by the trolls.

    2.Gender Equality. Not only are our women bueatifull figures, they’re just as refined and grizzled as the men. The difference between dwarf women and night elf women, is that you can tell the elf women apart from the elf men.

    3.We are righteous. Not only did we save the world and sacrifice our immortality for the good of Azeroth, we also stride to preserve balance in the world. Of course, thats nothing compared to the dwarven acheivements of…lets see…um…beer…and accidentally summoning Ragnaros…and I’m sure there’s loads more they’ve done.

    4.We made the dwarves. Sort of. While the titans did make the first prototype, it was the magic from the well of eternity, an elven structure, that gave the gift of flesh to the dwarves. Without elves, dwarves would never have evolved from their earthen form.