I think we can all agree that the World of Warcraft would be better off without elves. The Warcraft Hunters Union in particular would be better off without the pansy butterfly-humpers. Allow me to illustrate my point with an example of a hunter in my guild. We’ll call him Arust.
Arust is a night elf, and as such he’s a dirty hippie with a flora fetish. He is a marksman hunter, has great gear, and loves to raid and dish out the dps. This is good. This is what we hunters in the WHU do. But, there’s a but.
Like all hunters, Arust has a variety of pets. His favorite pet is Gnolldeath, a bear. This is where we begin to see the effects that all that elven dandelion sniffing has on an already delicate mind. He loves Gnolldeath, so much so, that he brings this dps sink on raids. And not just “we’re going to smack Gruul on his backside again” raids, I’m talking progression raids.
His justification goes something like this: “I’m a stupid elf. I do my homework before raids. I bring flasks, potions, food, pet food, the best ammo, and my A game. And I’m always in the top two dps for the raid, so I don’t feel like I’m slacking. If ever the difference between us downing a boss and not was Gnolldeath, then I’d bring another pet. But it never will be.”
You can see how crazy that is right there. I probably don’t even need to say anything else. But I will, because I like to bash elves.
You see, we’re hunters, not huntards. We represent the WHU. We are death dealers, and our mission is to squeeze out every last drop of dps that we possibly can. It’s like ringing out the beer rag into your empty glass so none of it goes to waste. And our pets are part of that beer rag. We expect them to be death dealers too.
And that’s the problem with elves. Even if you think that butterfly-lovin’ is morally acceptable, even if you can accept that they and those near them will soon be struck down by the gods for their unwholesome hormonally imbalanced height, you can’t deny the way their thin-blooded hearts get in the way of practical damage dealing decisions.
But maybe I shouldn’t complain about the bear in the raid. Maybe I should just thank him for the number 1 spot on the dps charts.